Womens Health
Sex and the working mum!
We all fit into one of these categories at some point, no matter how great our relationships:A: 'no sex please, I'm a working mother'
B: 'fab, the kids are asleep, drop 'em cowboy!'
We've had a look at how to be more B than A..
Sex can be the most amazing thing about your relationship or it can be an added pressure to an already pressurised life. If you’re feeling the strain, as most of us do at some point, then consider this: there has been a 140 per cent rise in the overall numbers of couples in the UK attending sex therapy sessions with Relate since 1996. We think that goes to show that whatever you may think, you’re not alone and you’re not in a crisis unique to you.
Being a working mother means you have many things that come higher on the list than you do. Literally! How many of us can honestly say we leave work firmly at the office? If it isn’t a work situation it’s the kids; when they’re there it’s inhibiting and when they’re not, you worry about them or work around their timeframe.
Relate Psychosexual Counsellor Paula Hall says that most of the cases she sees are due to apathy. “Mostly people cite tiredness more than anything else, as well as the practicalities of lack of time,” she says. “They do the classic thing of falling into bed tired, exhausted and there’s a niggling thought at the back of the mind of ‘oh, I suppose we ought to have sex’ and then saying ‘oh well, maybe tomorrow’.”
Sex can be just as intimate and less pressurised if you agree to do something gentle like massage each other with some baby oil. If that relaxes you both enough, who knows what might happen. It doesn't matter if it doesn't lead to anything, the fact is, you've shared a warm and loving time.
Sex when you’re a working mother isn’t quite what it used to be, for any number of reasons. Perhaps you’re less spontaneous, perhaps it feels like you’d rather have a nice footrub from your partner and a chat about the day. Paula recommends planning as her top tip. “Timing and scheduling and thinking in terms of quality as opposed to quantity. It does take the spontaneity out of it and I make no apology for that. But nobody worries about holidays not being spontaneous because they’ve planned it a year ago and part of the enjoyment is the anticipation factor. Then you can also plan to make it whatever you want it to be.”
It isn’t surprising to us that in over 50% of cases, it is the woman who has the perceived problem and that of those, the majority cite lack of desire as the reason. But apart from tiredness, why would that be? Lack of self-image is one of the main reasons and can be due to feeling tired and rooted in an everyday routine.
You can get round this by making time not to be mum, colleague or wife, but sexy, attractive you. Confidence can be a main factor in enjoyment of sex and that goes whether you’re a working mother or not. Whether your partner admires you as a sex goddess or barely notices if you come in wearing a tutu and no knickers, make an effort for yourself. If you feel sexy, it will enhance your enjoyment. It could just be a new glossy lipstick, or a trip to buy sexy lingerie.
vv And when you’ve done a bit of planning along those lines, make some time for you and your partner to actually stay in together. Often, going out to a pub or restaurant can make you more tired and by the time you’ve run the babysitter home or checked whether the children are in yet, you just want to cosy up on the sofa. Try planning to have the house to yourselves and make the most of the time in. If you can get an overnight to yourself, even better, just imagine that long Sunday lie in..
Paula advises “When you’re working parents, you have to do two things. One is plan; the other is being very opportunistic if you want spontaneous sex. If both the kids are asleep on a Saturday afternoon, which is a miracle, then go for it, now! You may only have ten minutes but who cares, go for it and you have to be willing to work on that basis as well as plan. There’s the classic advice of sending the kids away for the weekend but it’s not always that easy. You can always plan for a sleepover at a friend’s house, or a night at Grandma’s, which is more doable.”
The most common male problem cited is erection problems. According to Relate, younger men are now able to "own" the problem of impotence, which used to be seen as only affecting the fifty-plus age group. This represents a major cultural change. This is mainly due to high levels of media publicity for drugs such as Viagra and this seems to be giving men the spur to seek out sex therapy services. So don’t be afraid to broach the subject, but do be sensitive to your partner. You might just leave some literature lying around and let them get round to the idea themselves.
If you think your partner has a medical problem to do with impotence, they should see a doctor in the first instance to rule out any related conditions. Once you have done this, if you do decide to self refer to a therapist, make sure they are a registered psychosexual therapist.
Tips for reaching your Sexy Weight!
Fitness First for Women found in a recent survey that women are happier with a few curves, even when losing weight. 'Sexy Weight' is individual to everyone but the survey shows there is a point women reach where they suddenly notice the difference and begin to feel good about themselves and therefore sexy.
They say: 'Life is for living - Set your self small achievable goals, then you will be positive about the steps that you have made along the way, losing between 1-4lbs can make you feel more confident and sexy (and there's nothing more sexy than a confident woman!). Choose a positive attitude towards your new journey, and you will achieve your sexy weight on the way. Remember, getting started is the hardest part!'